Monday, May 16, 2011
NATURE
ONLY IN DENMARK, have I found myself caught in a swarm of ladybugs and felt highly threatened. Running and screaming, I am sure I looked like an idiot as other people around me were going about their daily routines.
OUTSIDE MY WINDOW
ONLY IN DENMARK, have I just seen several female studenter (graduates) wearing turbans, fake full beards, arabic style pants, genie style shoes that curve up, and carrying toy machine guns screaming through bull horns, "lalalalalalala".
All I can say is that these bitches be straight tripping.
All I can say is that these bitches be straight tripping.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
STRANGE CONVERSATIONS
ONCE AT KVICKLY'S CAFETERIA, we overheard a WRONG-TURN (check IMDB for the movie WRONG TURN) looking mom, who was talking to her WRONG-TURN looking sons, about how suicidal she was, but how she lived her life to the fullest.
Can we say that their conversation was a paradox?
Can we say that their conversation was a paradox?
ASSIMILATION
I REALLY HATE TO ADMIT THIS, but I love wearing socks with my Ecco sandals. AND GUESS WHAT? I shall soon be traveling to the U.S., comfortably wearing my socks and sandals the whole time like the freak geek I am, embarrassing my family.
YES! YES! :)
YES! YES! :)
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
Once to shut up my co-worker (who always complained about foreigners living in Denmark), I compared the Dansk Folkeparti to the Tea Party of the United States. Co-worker, who is not talking to me anymore, became highly offended.
BUYAA!!!
BUYAA!!!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
SEX OUTSIDE OF A WINDOW
ONLY IN DENMARK, have I seen OUTSIDE my window, a guy wearing only a white shirt and one sock, wank off. He was just as bald on top, as he was on the bottom. Yelling to himself to "KOM NU" every time he'd pull on his very tanned worm.
MR. BIGGLESWORTH caught me and decided to get shy. He hid. Frustrated, I ran to the bathroom and peered out the window. Nothing. Ran to the kitchen, jumped on the counter, falling into the sink, peered out the window. Nothing. Ferociously barging into teen Miss Jekyll's room, at 6 in the morning, I ran to the window and found my perverted weenie wanking obsession who, at this point, was slapping his worm on teen Miss Jekyll's bike.
Disgusting to see, I whipped out my camera and took picture after picture. Proudly, my husband sold one photo to a newspaper.
Money. Wanking. My first experience ever and it had to happen here.
MR. BIGGLESWORTH caught me and decided to get shy. He hid. Frustrated, I ran to the bathroom and peered out the window. Nothing. Ran to the kitchen, jumped on the counter, falling into the sink, peered out the window. Nothing. Ferociously barging into teen Miss Jekyll's room, at 6 in the morning, I ran to the window and found my perverted weenie wanking obsession who, at this point, was slapping his worm on teen Miss Jekyll's bike.
Disgusting to see, I whipped out my camera and took picture after picture. Proudly, my husband sold one photo to a newspaper.
Money. Wanking. My first experience ever and it had to happen here.
ASSIMILATION
I REALLY HATE TO ADMIT THIS, but I am slowly assimilating.
EXAMPLE: Like yesterday, when I was shopping at Føtex, as I was approaching a register, I had noticed an elderly lady walking towards it. My jet gears kicked in, and I turned from a sweet Mrs. Jekyll to an ugly Mrs. Hyde. Aggressive. Violent. Register starved. I forced her cart to the side, mentally yelling, "SHE WHO HESITATES, MASTURBATES", earning my right before her and the other walking zombies who we call farmor, mormor, bedstemor, granny, grandma, etc...
I WON! I GOT TO THE REGISTER BEFORE THEM!
I walked out of that expensive store with my head held up high and strutting like a male cock.
A few years ago, I would have been appalled when this would happen to me. I would feel like a cheap immigrant dog when I would be rudely told, "TIL VENSTRE OG TIL HØJRE?" (TO THE LEFT OR TO THE RIGHT?) or "FLYTTE DIG!" (MOVE AWAY!) or just rudely shoved to the side.
Not anymore baby! WHEN IN ROME, right?
Will this aggressive behavior be used when I'm visiting family in the U.S.? Will I be reminded by my son again that I am not a raping wanna-be viking?
EXAMPLE: Like yesterday, when I was shopping at Føtex, as I was approaching a register, I had noticed an elderly lady walking towards it. My jet gears kicked in, and I turned from a sweet Mrs. Jekyll to an ugly Mrs. Hyde. Aggressive. Violent. Register starved. I forced her cart to the side, mentally yelling, "SHE WHO HESITATES, MASTURBATES", earning my right before her and the other walking zombies who we call farmor, mormor, bedstemor, granny, grandma, etc...
I WON! I GOT TO THE REGISTER BEFORE THEM!
I walked out of that expensive store with my head held up high and strutting like a male cock.
A few years ago, I would have been appalled when this would happen to me. I would feel like a cheap immigrant dog when I would be rudely told, "TIL VENSTRE OG TIL HØJRE?" (TO THE LEFT OR TO THE RIGHT?) or "FLYTTE DIG!" (MOVE AWAY!) or just rudely shoved to the side.
Not anymore baby! WHEN IN ROME, right?
Will this aggressive behavior be used when I'm visiting family in the U.S.? Will I be reminded by my son again that I am not a raping wanna-be viking?
Monday, May 9, 2011
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
HELVESTESILD. Translated to HELLISH HERRING.
(People who have HELVESTESILD are actually suffering from the Shingles.)
It's an interesting word that will last forever (in what little I have left-of-a-brain and memory) like the word, PIKSTANG - DICK STICK.
:)
(People who have HELVESTESILD are actually suffering from the Shingles.)
It's an interesting word that will last forever (in what little I have left-of-a-brain and memory) like the word, PIKSTANG - DICK STICK.
:)
THIS PARTY WAS MESSED UP!
ONLY IN DENMARK, at my own party, did my neighbor confess to me that he had a very small penis. A very, very, very small penis. (SMALL PENIS and his wife were long time friends of my husband.)
Afterwards, SMALL PENIS asked me if I ate pork. I answered that I loved pork, beef, chicken, turkey, fish, squirrel, snake, gator, but HAD NEVER EVER, AND WILL NEVER EVER, EAT HUMAN.
:)
Afterwards, SMALL PENIS asked me if I ate pork. I answered that I loved pork, beef, chicken, turkey, fish, squirrel, snake, gator, but HAD NEVER EVER, AND WILL NEVER EVER, EAT HUMAN.
:)
DEAD SEAGULL
ONLY IN DENMARK, can one see men walking around town holding dead seagulls. (Last week I saw another guy walking towards me, holding a dead seagull, while I was heading to work.)
Only one thought came to mind... ZOMBIE!!!
I am always asking my husband... "Why me?".
Only one thought came to mind... ZOMBIE!!!
I am always asking my husband... "Why me?".
MONKEY ON MY BACK
ONLY IN DENMARK, have I had a red-colored marmoset jump on my back while I was shopping for cat litter at a local pet store. Because I had a back-pack on, I never knew it was there.
Clerk was running around the store trying to catch that little booger.
Clerk was running around the store trying to catch that little booger.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
STRANGE CONVERSATIONS
This blog, with the title STRANGE CONVERSATIONS, will be used to post some of the weirdest talks I've had with the natives. Now, I know that maybe they may not be weird to you, but hell, they sure are to me. It just seems like these things that are said or done, only seem to happen to me. Why? I guess I just have one of those faces. The natives either like or hate my ugly mug.
- A few years ago, I was working at this school in Føllenslev. It was my second job in Denmark. I know I must have been a sight-to-see for the kids. I was the first American to ever work there and the head mistress made sure to announce this to the whole staff as well as the kids. Eeek!!! So you could imagine, every time I came out of our cleaning room, with my cleaning cart, I had kids following me, but at a safe distance.
Some months passed and being seen on a daily basis, the kids realized that I was not a dangerous predator from the deep jungles of Africa, I started making friends. Most of them were from 0 to 4th grade. (The school had kids from 0 to 9th grade. For my American readers out there, I believe that the kids that are in 0 grade are about 7-years old.)
Anyway, one day, as I was trying to scrub out very dry liver pate off a wall, one of the kids from 1st grade came up to tell me that his mom just had a baby. (At this time, my Danish was still choppy and on the rocks with a slice of lime and salt, but somehow with kids, I could understand what they were saying.) So, we talk about his new brother, school, and Cartoon Network, he reaches over and grabs my hand. He's examining my fingers, turning my hand over and examining my palm, and starts rubbing my skin very lightly. (I'm starting to feel weirded out because I have one of those "space issues", plus I didn't want the teachers to think that I am some kind of freaky deaky pedo.) I pull my hand away and offer him a piece of gum. Then I realize that that's what pedo's offer their victims before they pounce. I get up quickly and start putting my cleaning things back into my buggy, hoping to come back and clean, when the kids are gone. As I am about to leave, the kids tells me that he's noticed that everytime his mom feeds the baby, the milk from her "patte" (Danish version of "teat") was white. Then with an inquisitive look on his face, he asked me if my milk was made out of chocolate, because if so, he wished he was my kid because HE LOVED CHOCOLATE MILK.
I was burning red from embarrassment. WHAT CAN I SAY? I was new to the school. New to working around kids. From the U.S. where parents are so paranoid about sexuality and the Cucuy.
Yeah. I was so guilty that I felt that I had to report the incident. After telling the head and walking out of her office, I felt even more silly. She could not stop laughing. I was assured that everything was o.k. and that they kids were encouraged to be open.
Encouraged my ass! A LA CHINGADA!
- A few years ago, I was working at this school in Føllenslev. It was my second job in Denmark. I know I must have been a sight-to-see for the kids. I was the first American to ever work there and the head mistress made sure to announce this to the whole staff as well as the kids. Eeek!!! So you could imagine, every time I came out of our cleaning room, with my cleaning cart, I had kids following me, but at a safe distance.
Some months passed and being seen on a daily basis, the kids realized that I was not a dangerous predator from the deep jungles of Africa, I started making friends. Most of them were from 0 to 4th grade. (The school had kids from 0 to 9th grade. For my American readers out there, I believe that the kids that are in 0 grade are about 7-years old.)
Anyway, one day, as I was trying to scrub out very dry liver pate off a wall, one of the kids from 1st grade came up to tell me that his mom just had a baby. (At this time, my Danish was still choppy and on the rocks with a slice of lime and salt, but somehow with kids, I could understand what they were saying.) So, we talk about his new brother, school, and Cartoon Network, he reaches over and grabs my hand. He's examining my fingers, turning my hand over and examining my palm, and starts rubbing my skin very lightly. (I'm starting to feel weirded out because I have one of those "space issues", plus I didn't want the teachers to think that I am some kind of freaky deaky pedo.) I pull my hand away and offer him a piece of gum. Then I realize that that's what pedo's offer their victims before they pounce. I get up quickly and start putting my cleaning things back into my buggy, hoping to come back and clean, when the kids are gone. As I am about to leave, the kids tells me that he's noticed that everytime his mom feeds the baby, the milk from her "patte" (Danish version of "teat") was white. Then with an inquisitive look on his face, he asked me if my milk was made out of chocolate, because if so, he wished he was my kid because HE LOVED CHOCOLATE MILK.
I was burning red from embarrassment. WHAT CAN I SAY? I was new to the school. New to working around kids. From the U.S. where parents are so paranoid about sexuality and the Cucuy.
Yeah. I was so guilty that I felt that I had to report the incident. After telling the head and walking out of her office, I felt even more silly. She could not stop laughing. I was assured that everything was o.k. and that they kids were encouraged to be open.
Encouraged my ass! A LA CHINGADA!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Halfway through
It's almost that time again for me to fill out my paperwork for temporary residency here in Denmark. Yay! AND... I BETTER NOT FORGET OR ELSE I WILL SUFFER REPERCUSSIONS... like being sent back to the United States of America. (Oh U.S.A., how I miss thee. You wonderful land of the free soda pop refills, large bags of iced cubes, iced tea, my family, cheese enchilladas, and ROOTBEER.)
Yeah (sigh)... almost done with Denmark's integration process. Learn the language, pass the test, work, and then join a cult. Sorry. I meant to say "society". (I know my old man is getting tired of me saying this, but can I join a "society" that's against "societies"?)
Hmmm... A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
So, there's the joke to break the ice. Dirty? I hope it was.
What I am hoping to do, within this blog, is to post what I see, hear, taste, and smell, while living in Denmark. I have to say that it has not been all rosey, cute, and happy. Sometimes life can be funny, and sometimes life just makes me wanna grab a bat and break some legs.
American me.
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